We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last week’s if you missed them!
Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?
Richard: I’m currently the Dominant in my relationship with Jayden. I have been dominant, to one degree or another, in most of my long term relationships. They’ve varied pretty significantly in the type of dynamic, and how much it influenced the relationship. For example, my last relationship was DDLG in the bedroom, but almost entirely vanilla outside of it. I think all relationships are unique, so I can’t really point to anything that makes my relationships extra-unique compared to anyone else’s.
Jayden: I’m currently the submissive in my relationship with Richard. I have been in both roles in various relationships. Until recently, I’ve had several submissives of my own, but I’m not Dominant enough to maintain long term relationships. A scene here or there as a Domme is fun, but more than that becomes stressful for me. I have been a submissive in other relationships in the past, but this is the first one where I have felt…I’m not sure what the word is. Truly owned, I guess. I feel secure in the D/s part of our relationship. It’s also the only relationship I’ve been in with a Dominant partner who has had about the same or more experience in D/s than I have.
What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
Richard: The first time I felt particularly subby was with an older guy I worked with at camp as a teen. I had a crush on him, and was afraid to tell him, so I decided the best way to maybe get him to hit on me was to take care of him; bring him dinner if he had a shift that made him miss it, things like that. Ironically, I later found out he was bi, and a sub, so I probably should’ve just hit on him and topped him. Oh well. As someone who winds up being in charge of a lot of things in my day to day life, I think it’s mostly a relief to not have to worry about things.
I think I spent so much of my life outside the bedroom in responsible roles, so being submissive allows me to let that go for a little while. Giving someone else control over…everything is a very freeing experience for me, and reduces my stress greatly. I have been interested in domestic discipline with a previous partner (but he vetoed it without ever trying it). I’m not sure it’s something I would want to pursue, particularly, and as you can see in Richard’s response on the Dom side, he’s not particularly interested in it. So that works out well!
That said, I remember having submissive fantasies before I understood what sexual fantasies were. Fantasies of being kidnapped and tortured. I guess that’s rooted deeper in me than I would have guessed. But there is a lot of sexual thrill in being a submissive for me.
Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that What do you feel are the roots of your dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?
Richard: I don’t think there’s any particular “root” for my Dominance. I think I’ve generally leaned Dom for as long as I’ve been aware of my sexuality, and I’ve always liked being in charge. I’ve flirted with domestic discipline style dynamics in the past, but I’m not currently pursuing it, because I think it’s easy for it to turn unhealthy. I would say it’s mostly a sexual thing for me.
Jayden: This is a little backward, but I like pleasing people. So pleasing a submissive has a little bit of attraction to me. One of my good friends told me he didn’t think that would work to sustain a relationship, and he was right. It’s fine for a scene, but it doesn’t work long term. Like Richard, I have often been in charge of things outside the bedroom, so being a Domme was a natural progression for me. Unlike Richard, I don’t really like being in charge, it just sort of happens to me. That said, I have read/written/experienced some scenes as a Domme that turned me on a lot. But it doesn’t give me the same satisfaction being a submissive does.