30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last time’s if you missed them!

Can you feel submissive without a dominant partner? If so, how does your submission express itself? If not, how do you handle your submission or submissive feelings?

Richard: I don’t think so. Since I default to being a Dom, it’s not really a problem.

Jayden: I’m not sure that I’ve been without a dominant partner, since I understood that I was submissive. There have definitely been lulls over the years where my partner wasn’t feeling particularly dominant, and then I did a lot of fantasizing about submission. I give myself tasks to do (which of course is not nearly as much fun), but I definitely missed it when it wasn’t there.

Is there anything about submission (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own submissive feelings?

Richard: I don’t like overly dependent subs. There’s a line between playing needy, pathetic, little, etc. and legit being unable to function, and it’s not sexy when it gets crossed.

Jayden: Within myself, I can’t think of anything. Sometimes I get a little embarrassed thinking about the degrading stuff I do that I love. But then the embarrassment turns me on, so… In others, as Richard said, there’s a line there. Bedroom submission is great, but when someone is dependent on me for literally everything, it’s a big turn off.

Can you feel dominant without a submissive partner? If so, how does your dominance express itself? If not, how do you handle your dominance or dominance feelings?

Richard: I’ve often compared the feeling I get from a good scene to when everything clicks in writing, or when I do well in a difficult game, solve a difficult problem, etc. I don’t know if it’s just all happy chemicals, if it’s all similar from a planning/control perspective, or what. When I don’t have a “real” sub I tend to spend a lot more time on chat sites and the like.

Jayden: I can’t. I lean so far submissive naturally that it takes the right partner to bring out the Domme in me.

Is there anything about dominance (yours or what you see in others) that you question, dislike or repels you? Was there a time you questioned or were resistant to your own dominant feelings?

Richard: Just the general use of dominance for cover for assholish or abusive behavior. There were definitely times when I felt guilty about being a Dom when I was much younger, like sixteen or seventeen, but I think that’s the only time.

Jayden: Exactly what Richard said. There are so many abusive “doms” who either use it as a cover or just don’t understand the difference. I remember when a friend was looking for a Dom, she had a hell of a time with it.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last time’s if you missed them!

How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

Richard: I have a fair number of D/s friends (and a few mostly vanilla ones that I talk kink with.) I’ve used a variety of kink and kink-adjacent websites, chat rooms etc., and have made some lasting friends there. I’ve been to munches, etc. in the past, and would like to start going again.

Jayden: And hey, we did that! We went to one munch so far in our local area, and we’ll probably go to more. I am excited because I have now met another submissive who I have formed a good friendship with. It’s so, so nice to be able to talk about kinky things and not have people look at you strangely. When you say things like, “He choked me last and it was so fucking hot!” or “Look at this bruise!” We were just remarking the other day at a dinner party that it was fun to be at a dinner party where it was totally acceptable for me to whip out my chest to show off a bruise.

In general, my submission had a behind-closed-doors feel to it, but I am really glad to say that that is no longer the case. I am excited to be more social about it and connect with other kinky people.

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Richard: Being tied up makes me squirmy and bratty.

Jayden: Kneeling is generally a good one. Anything that puts me physically below my Dom (though I’m short, so that’s most of the time anyway). And, as Richard said, tie me up!

How socially connected is your dominance? Do you look for others to talk to about your dominance for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

Richard: It comes and goes. I like to have kinky friends to talk about these sorts of things with. I have a handful of good friends who are generally involved in kink, so I usually have at least a few to talk to. One of our friends recently got involved in a new relationship that’s significantly kinkier than most of his prior ones, so it’s nice to talk to him and his new partner about it. I don’t really like to go to kink events solo, but if I have a partner it’s fun to go out. More rarely I’ll go with a friend.

Jayden: I haven’t been dominant enough to have any kind of support or networking. I guess you could say that for a brief time, I was being dominant in text with a sub and Richard was coaching me through it. That was definitely helpful.

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most dominant?

Richard: Putting my sub in a face down-ass up position is good. And of course, you can’t beat having someone kneeling at your feet.

Jayden: (For the record, I didn’t read Richard’s dominant responses before I wrote my own submissive ones. Yeah, we’re on the same page almost all the time…) As a Domme, having someone kneel at my feet, especially someone who is usually taller than me is hot. I like it when they have that pleading look in their eye. It makes me feel powerful.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last week’s if you missed them!

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Richard: Trusting my Dominant to set up a scene that we can both enjoy, be safe, etc.

Jayden: Being able to let go and trust in my Dominant is most of what makes it alluring to me. Knowing that he (or she) will take care of me, push me right to the edge, and be there to hold me when it’s over is the deepest trust.

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Richard: I’m a very chatty sub, I think it’s nervous energy. I’m perfectly willing to beg and whine for what I want/need. If I don’t get it, sometimes I switch back into Dom space and take it anyway.

Jayden: When I get into that submissive headspace, I find it very hard to have an opinion. I just want to please my Dom. I don’t care about anything else. I get off on his pleasure. So it’s hard to express anything for me. If I need to, I will. And often Richard asks what I want. Usually my answer is something along the lines of, “Whatever you want, Sir.” And I mean that. 100%.

What does trust mean to you in the context of domination?

Richard: That I’ll take care of my submissive and make sure they’re safe, limits are respected, that sort of thing.

Jayden: Having someone put their trust in me to protect them and respect their limits in a kinky scene is a lot of responsibility. It’s also the reason I am not great at taking on long-term submissives.

Very often the stereotype of dominance is that the dominant person gets anything they want, without regard for the sub. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your dominance and how do you communicate with your sub?

Richard: Jayden and I both like doing questionnaires, checklists, etc. so we’ve done quite a few of those to help get a feel for where we both feel on certain kinks. We try to pick a few kinks, questions, etc. and talk about them when we go for a walk, drive, etc. Sometimes, we both write out our answers ahead of time and swap them to help make sure we’re giving an honest one.

Jayden: As a Domme, I love the questionnaires and checklists Richard mentioned. And although I like being dominant from time to time, I’m usually doing it to fulfil someone else’s desires. That’s the core of all of my kink. So finding out what they are interested in ahead of time is crucial for me.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last week’s if you missed them!

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Richard: I do not. No Dom I’ve been with has ever asked for it, and I don’t think I’m particularly interested in doing it anyway. In general, I think it’s a rather dangerous kink, though obviously not in the traditional way. Realistically, a lot of relationships already have financial dynamics that may or may not be sexual. If it’s okay to pay for sex, or to rely on your partner financially, I don’t think making a kink out of it necessarily does any harm.

Jayden: I haven’t, and I don’t think I would. I don’t have a lot of extra money, so I don’t know how it would be helpful. And, as much as I enjoy depending on my Dom for lots of things, finances isn’t one of them. I like knowing that I can stand on my own and take care of myself.

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Richard: It’s not, but I think I could enjoy it. Because I only sub sporadically and for short time periods, it doesn’t really come up. I’d be interested in it. I think it’d be fun, and I have a bit of an exhibitionist streak, which could play into it. Don’t get me fired. That’s definitely a limit.

Jayden: Yes, absolutely. In fact, the more I feel like he’s using me for his pleasure, the more I like it.

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

Richard: It doesn’t. My religious background is pretty sex-negative. I do have a Domme friend who does some religious play, and it’s never really interested me. Overall, I’d say more similar than non, it’s just another “flavor.”

Jayden: Nope. It’s just not a thing for me. I do like that Richard calls me goddess sometimes (note the lowercase g!) but that’s not based in religion. I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who had that particular kink, but as Richard said, it’s similar to other types of kink, especially ‘taboo’ ones.

Do you include financial domination within the definition of your own dominance and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial domination? Do you have an opinion about financial domination in general?

Richard: I’d love to have a pay pig, sugar daddy/mommy slut, whatever. Who doesn’t want some extra spending money, or someone to buy me fun toys (which I can then use on other subs for extra fun)? Jayden and I sort of played around with this before we left her other partner. Another partner I had had a toy that an ex Dom had bought for her, that she “wasn’t supposed” to use with anyone else. That added a fun little twist to using it. I’m more comfortable doing fin Dom as a Dom than as a sub.

Jayden: As a Domme, I’m not sure I could do it. It sounds fun, and like Richard said, it would be fun to have a little extra from time to time, but I think I would feel bad about it.

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your dominance? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Richard: For me, some degree of availability or free use is a basic part of sexual submission. For Jayden, this is more or less literally true, I can do what I want, when I want, no questions asked. For other subs, this was more of a role play affectations. Generally, I try to be flexible about using it in compromising or public situations, though they’re also one of my favorite times to use it. As I remind Jayden, “what’s the point of having a slave if you have to ask?”

Jayden: I think it is to an extent, but as Richard said with submission, I’m mostly a sub, so as a Domme, I don’t know if it works quite the same way. That being said, if I want my sub, I want them on my time.

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to dominate? If not, are you familiar with religious based dominance and do you view it as similar to other types of dominance or dissimilar?

Richard: I’ve done some religious play with some subs, but it’s not one of my primary dynamics. Jayden calls me the God of Rape sometimes. If it’s literally religious based, as opposed to just a roleplay scenario or something, it sounds pretty ripe for abuse.

Jayden: Nope, not at all. I’ve never even attempted it, and I don’t know that I would. It’s one thing to be (as Richard said) the God or Goddess of something, but I don’t think that’s exactly what we’re talking about here.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last week’s if you missed them!

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Richard: Rules are meant to be broken, because I am a bad boy and the whole point of subbing is to make you mad and get spankings.

Jayden: I do accept and expect structure, rules, and limits. In fact, they make me feel safe and cared for. Richard has made mention a few times of how much work being a Dom can be, and this is where a lot of that work comes in. As much as it sucks for the Dom to have to put in the work, it’s super important to me to have those rules and structures. I always do my best to make it easy on him, and being Good helps a lot. I want to follow the rules, and the only times I’ve ever broken them, it was accidental. But it’s vital to me as a sub to have that.

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Richard: I do. I’m a people pleaser in general, so it comes out pretty naturally in my submission. I would define service as taking care of, or doing, things for others. I don’t think it necessarily has to be sexual, baking brownies can be service too.

Jayden: Yes. If my Dom tells/asks me to do something, I’ll do it, no questions asked. Although we generally don’t do service submission outside the “bedroom”, it’s something we’re toying with and maybe working toward. As Richard said, service is taking care of or doing things for others. I like taking care of my partner, especially as a submissive.

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your dominance? How do you feel about them?

Richard: I respect my sub’s limits, etc. and the structures we’ve put in place to keep everyone safe and comfortable. In terms of rules as part of the power exchange, we use a few. The main one is that Jayden has to ask my permission before she can pee. Again, they’re fun to do, but they have to be set up properly to make sure they don’t turn into a chore for one, or both, of us.

Jayden: I do. I like structure, in general, but I also don’t want to be a long-term Dominant, so it’s not something I do a lot. I have, in the past, had some of those structures, but as Richard said, it became a chore for me.

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submissive? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Richard: I do. We don’t have a lot of formal service rules right now, but I’ll occasionally tell her to take care of something for me, refill my drink, etc. It’s one of my favorite complications to add to our bathroom rule (you can pee after you bring me a snack, etc.) I’ve done formal service play on occasion with other subs. I think Jayden would be good for it, but it’s not a super Covid friendly scene. Maybe next summer. As a Dominant, I define service (in a kink context) primarily as tasks given to the sub to humiliate them, remind them of their place, etc. Which is pretty different from my sub answer.

Jayden: I do. As a Dom, I really like service in the form of pampering. (I like it as a sub, too, but it’s different.) Massages, lotion, bringing me things, making me feel good. Those are great ways to service me as a Domme.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last week’s if you missed them!

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

Richard: I love being bound (and then trying to get out of them and being punished for it) and have a fairly strong masochistic streak. I certainly can sub without them, but they are some of my favorite parts.

Jayden: There are so many parts of BDSM that are important as a submissive for me. I am the polar opposite of a brat, and I try very hard to follow the rules and be Good. It is the core of my submission. If I think Master will like it, I’ll do it and be happy about it. Not because I don’t want to tell him no but because I really, really like it when I’m doing something for the express purpose of pleasing Master.

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Richard: I don’t expect them, but I don’t really mind them either. Mostly it’s just an excuse to get spanked.

Jayden: I don’t like being punished. As Richard demonstrated the other day, all he has to do is scold me and I cower, even when I didn’t do anything wrong and he was doing it as a joke to show our friend. I still got upset (until he told me I was a Good Girl and gave me scritches). But if I do break the rules, then yeah, I’ll certainly accept a punishment, and I have no doubt I would get one.

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Richard: If I’m not getting spanked, I’m clearly behaving too well.

Jayden: (He’s such a brat!) I get maintenance spankings at least once a week, and I like that, but I don’t want to be spanked as part of a punishment. Mostly because he’d have to spank me really hard for me not to enjoy it.

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your dominant relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your dominance, peripheral or non-existent (other than the dominance part)?

Richard: I’ve done some bondage with most partners. Jayden mostly gets tied down so I can make her orgasm too many times in a row. We also do a lot of S&M. Jayden is a huge pain slut, and I’m happy to deliver.

Jayden: I don’t do well as a long-term Dom, so as much as I like it, it’s just something I do for a scene here or there.

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your Dominance? How do you feel about it?

Richard: As the Dom, keeping up on punishments can take a lot of energy. It’s one thing to do a funishment and give someone a couple dozen slaps for being bad, but actually tracking, enforcing, etc. rules, and taking the time to punish them when broken, is a lot of time and effort. I’d like to do it more, but it requires a fairly motivated and coordinated sub to keep it from turning into work.

Jayden: I’m not great at giving out punishments. I’m often too nice. I did have a sub once who expected all of his punishments to be things like spanking (which he liked). When I threatened to put him in a corner and not talk to him for 20 minutes, he was really upset, and I pointed out that it was meant to be a punishment, not a funishment. He didn’t like that.

Have you found your dominance has changIs spanking or corporal punishment a part of your dominance? Why or why not?

Richard: Jayden gets a maintenance spanking most Sundays. She gets occasional spankings, canings, etc. when she deserves it as well. We generally try to do punishment directly related to whatever rule she broke, partially because it’s more effective, and partially because she enjoys pain too much for it to be much of a deterrent.

Jayden: I like spanking for play, but not so much as a punishment, and that goes for both my submission and my Domination.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last week’s if you missed them!

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

Richard: I don’t think it’s evolved in any particular way. I’ve gotten more comfortable with it, and hope to continue to do so in the future.

Jayden: My submission has definitely changed over time. When I first started playing with submission, I was mostly a switch who liked being told what to do. I still like being told what to do, but I also know better what I like and don’t like. But even that changes. Richard teases me frequently that he doesn’t know what to believe when I say things like, “I don’t like sensation play,” because apparently I do like it, I just didn’t know that before. As for it evolving, Richard and I have been together for about 8 months and my likes have changed, my horizons have been expanded. I’m sure there’s a limit to that, but it’s hard for me to imagine my submission being the same six months from now, I just have no idea what it will look like.

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Richard: I’d say about the same. I was always more Dom than sub, and I don’t think the particular ratio has changed a lot. Because I don’t sub often or in sustained/out of scene contexts, I don’t have to do a lot of renegotiating.

Jayden: Increased, definitely. My relationship with Richard has blown it out of the water. We aren’t quite 24/7, but… it’s not that far off at this point. I’m much more comfortable with myself as a submissive than I used to be. It’s freeing to feel and express.

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

Richard: I think all sexuality changes from partner to partner. Different Doms like different things, and I generally let them direct the play when I do switch. I think generally women I’ve subbed for have been more masochistic than the men, but I don’t think that I have a big enough sample size to say that’s a preference vs coincidence.

Jayden: I haven’t had any Dommes at this point, so gender hasn’t played a role at all. But yes, my submission has changed with my partners. I need a strong Dom who can handle pushing me for me to reach my full submissive potential.

Has your dominance evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

Richard: I think I’ve become more confident, and less of an asshole. I would like to continue in the same vein. 

Jayden: I was a switch in my teen years, just because I was trying things out. Then I became mostly a sub (like 90% sub). And then I started to get comfortable in a more dominant role, and now I’m back to being mostly submissive. It’s really been all over the place, mostly based on what’s going on in my life. I find being dominant very stressful. It takes a lot of energy for me. So when life is stressful, I don’t want the responsibility of being a Domme.

Has your dominance increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your dominance due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Richard: I don’t think I’ve become more or less dominant, per se, just more confident in expressing it. I have had to renegotiate with some subs for various reasons, usually related to the dynamic being too intense or time and energy consuming.

Jayden: Like I said, it’s been all over the place. When I did have a regular submissive for more than a year, we had to renegotiate a few times when I couldn’t do all the things he needed from a Domme.

Have you found your dominance has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your dominance relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

Richard: Sure! Different people like different dynamics, different kinks, etc. The way I play with a little is going to be very different than with a protocol slave or something. I don’t think my dominance changes nearly as much based on gender as on the individual person. Certain kinks, etc. are more common with men than with women or vice versa  but on the whole I don’t think the gender of my partner changes my carriage as a Dom much.

Jayden: Definitely. Part of what I like about being dominant is that I’m pleasing my submissive. Sure there are things I like about being dominant, but in general, I just like pleasing my partner. So my Domme role has been very different with every sub I’ve played with.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last week’s if you missed them!

Have you been or are you in a dominant/submissive dynamic relationship or is this new to you? Have you been in more than one D/s relationship? How were they the same? How were they different? What is unique about your relationships in your mind?

Richard: I’m currently the Dominant in my relationship with Jayden. I have been dominant, to one degree or another, in most of my long term relationships. They’ve varied pretty significantly in the type of dynamic, and how much it influenced the relationship. For example, my last relationship was DDLG in the bedroom, but almost entirely vanilla outside of it. I think all relationships are unique, so I can’t really point to anything that makes my relationships extra-unique compared to anyone else’s.

Jayden: I’m currently the submissive in my relationship with Richard. I have been in both roles in various relationships. Until recently, I’ve had several submissives of my own, but I’m not Dominant enough to maintain long term relationships. A scene here or there as a Domme is fun, but more than that becomes stressful for me. I have been a submissive in other relationships in the past, but this is the first one where I have felt…I’m not sure what the word is. Truly owned, I guess. I feel secure in the D/s part of our relationship. It’s also the only relationship I’ve been in with a Dominant partner who has had about the same or more experience in D/s than I have.

What do you feel are the roots of your submission? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Richard: The first time I felt particularly subby was with an older guy I worked with at camp as a teen. I had a crush on him, and was afraid to tell him, so I decided the best way to maybe get him to hit on me was to take care of him; bring him dinner if he had a shift that made him miss it, things like that. Ironically, I later found out he was bi, and a sub, so I probably should’ve just hit on him and topped him. Oh well. As someone who winds up being in charge of a lot of things in my day to day life, I think it’s mostly a relief to not have to worry about things.

Jayden:

I think I spent so much of my life outside the bedroom in responsible roles, so being submissive allows me to let that go for a little while. Giving someone else control over…everything is a very freeing experience for me, and reduces my stress greatly. I have been interested in domestic discipline with a previous partner (but he vetoed it without ever trying it). I’m not sure it’s something I would want to pursue, particularly, and as you can see in Richard’s response on the Dom side, he’s not particularly interested in it. So that works out well!

That said, I remember having submissive fantasies before I understood what sexual fantasies were. Fantasies of being kidnapped and tortured. I guess that’s rooted deeper in me than I would have guessed. But there is a lot of sexual thrill in being a submissive for me.

Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that What do you feel are the roots of your dominance? Do you think it has something to do with childhood? Is it a relationship management tool as in the practice of domestic discipline? Is it a sexual thrill or something else?

Richard: I don’t think there’s any particular “root” for my Dominance. I think I’ve generally leaned Dom for as long as I’ve been aware of my sexuality, and I’ve always liked being in charge. I’ve flirted with domestic discipline style dynamics in the past, but I’m not currently pursuing it, because I think it’s easy for it to turn unhealthy. I would say it’s mostly a sexual thing for me.

Jayden: This is a little backward, but I like pleasing people. So pleasing a submissive has a little bit of attraction to me. One of my good friends told me he didn’t think that would work to sustain a relationship, and he was right. It’s fine for a scene, but it doesn’t work long term. Like Richard, I have often been in charge of things outside the bedroom, so being a Domme was a natural progression for me. Unlike Richard, I don’t really like being in charge, it just sort of happens to me. That said, I have read/written/experienced some scenes as a Domme that turned me on a lot. But it doesn’t give me the same satisfaction being a submissive does.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

We’re continuing answering the questions from our list. Check last week’s if you missed them!

How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?

Richard: For me, it’s mostly a question of trust. I’m fairly unlikely to be submissive on a first encounter. Thus, I think the primary emotion I feel when I’m being subby is some variant of safe, cared for, etc.

Jayden: I am generally submissive in the bedroom, so if I meet someone who can take charge, I’m usually down for it. There does have to be some level of trust for me to get fully into the headspace, and I have noticed with Richard that the longer we’re together, the more we interact, the more I trust him, the deeper and harder I’m willing and able to submit. It’s intoxicating in the best possible way.

Do you switch into a dominant role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you maintain control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Richard: I consider myself a Dom-leaning-switch. Because I have little interest in out-of-scene submission, I maintain control of most things besides basic sexual stuff.

Jayden: I’m a sub-leaning-switch. There are occasional times that I like to play with a sub and it undeniably turns me on. But long term dominance doesn’t do much for me and often feels very heavy. I once had a sub who wanted me to pick his underwear for him. It was so taxing on me that I almost couldn’t do it, and he did everything he could to make it easy for me. For whatever reason, it just weighed on me emotionally. I’m just not interested in being Dominant in that way.

How do you know you are dominant or have the potential to be dominant? How do you feel when you express your dominance?

Richard: I started rooting for the bad guy at a young age, and I think I enjoyed power fantasies proto-sexually before I had a real concept of what sexuality was. Being dominant makes me feel sexy, wanted, and powerful.

Jayden: I had a partner a lonnnng time ago and we played at both sides. It was a great learning experience and I realized that I enjoyed being dominant sometimes. It turns me on a lot in scenes.

Do you switch into a submissive role at any time? If you are in a domestic discipline relationship, are there things that you give up control over? Are you a “switch” in BDSM terms? If not, have you ever thought about it or given thought to why it’s not for you?

Richard: I consider myself a Dom-leaning-switch. The biggest thing I refuse to control with my subs is their relationships with other partners. In general, it varies depending on the specific sub, relationship, etc. With most of my subs, I’ve had to do a lot of the planning for long term plans, major vacations, etc. but Jayden is planning most of our trip last week, since she’s been there before.

Jayden: I often switch into a submissive role, especially with Richard. I don’t mind having some level of control in things around the house, but that seems to be mostly divided equally. Richard and I talk a lot, and it’s nice that we’re a partnership, but when it comes to anything sexual, I’m ready and willing to defer to him.

We’d love to hear your answers! Feel free to answer some/all in the comments or give us links to your blog if you answered them there!

30 Days of Submission and Domination

Jayden found this list of prompts/questions for 30 Days of Submission. While we like the idea, posting the answers to those questions daily AND all of our other posts is a lot. So we’ve decided to answer a couple of questions a week. However, as we started going through the questions, we realized that some of them just aren’t suited for Richard to answer as a Dom-leaning-switch. So we decided to answer them from both perspectives since Jayden is a sub-leaning-switch.

Does your Submission– either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Richard: The last time I subbed with Jayden and our ex, I was super bratty. I think I probably generally lean that way as a sub. I love pushing buttons “in real life” and it gives me a fun excuse to do it in play.

Jayden: Richard and I are in a relatively new relationship, so we’re still figuring things out. That said, my first published novel (currently off the market) is titled Slave and is all about a Master/slave relationship. So I do think that that’s where I lean. I’m also open to owner/pet, and I get very turned on when Richard reminds me that he owns me during play. But we’ve both agreed that we’re not into puppy play or pony play. More of a generic ‘pet’.

Describe who you might submit to and how. Are you exclusively submissive in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you submissive only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you submissive to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Richard: Sexually, I submit only occasionally, and in the bedroom. I don’t think there’s a particular type of partner that makes me more or less likely to submit. Some of my favorite times submitting were switching off with partners who were usually very subby. Generally, I’m only subby with established/serious partners, not first time/casual ones.

Non-sexually, I have very little desire to submit. It’s fun to bring my Dom a snack or something, but I think that’s mostly tongue in cheek, and I do it as a Dom too. In situations where I don’t have a lot of say in what’s going on, I’m more of a “keep your head down and just get shit done” kind of person.

Jayden: I am most likely to submit to someone who shows that I can trust them. I will say that I am generally very subby, so it’s relatively easy for me to play at submission with someone or to have a scene with them. But for true submission, I need that trust and intimacy.

Outside the bedroom, I’m not particularly submissive. I’m not at all submissive in my work-life. But I do take joy in serving Richard as my Master at home. Although we have a pretty 50/50 balance of chores around home, I’ll often go out of my way to do little things for him, but he does the same for me.

Does your dominance– either what you practice or what you strive for – have a label? Do you view your dominance as Taken in Hand, domestic discipline, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, master/slave, owner/pet, or some other description or combination? If you do not use a label, why?

Richard: My relationship with Jayden, and our D/s dynamic, is still evolving. In general, I think I lean towards Master/slave setups. I’ve certainly had relationships with pets, littles, etc. in the past.

Jayden: I rarely want to be dominant with a partner, but I do like titles like Miss, Mistress, Goddess (though that one has become a submissive term with a lowercase g sometimes).

Describe who you might dominate and how. Are you exclusively dominant in marriage or just in the bedroom? Are you dominant only in the context of a scene or in a role or throughout your daily life? Are you dominant to play partners or only in the context of a relationship?

Richard: I think I default to being dominant most of the time. I like to describe myself as a 23/6 Dominant. I definitely enjoy being dominant outside the bedroom, but not all the time about every little thing. I think I actually tend to be more dominant with more casual partners. It’s easier to slap someone around and piss in their coffee if you don’t have to go pick out a couch with them the next day.

Jayden: I am only dominant in the bedroom, and rarely at that. I have had long term submissive partners before and it’s too much for me. I get burned out on it pretty quickly. But I can’t deny (and don’t know why I would) that I’ve enjoyed the occasional scene as a dominant. I’m excited to see what it’s like to co-Dom with Richard.

D/s with Jayden and Richard

The other day, I (Jayden) was listening to There’s Nothing Holding Me Back by Shawn Mendes. As I listened to the lyrics, I realized that there are some definite Dominance/submission overtones to it. Lines like:

I wanna follow where she goes
I think about her and she knows it
I wanna let her take control
‘Cause everytime that she gets close, yeah

Oh, I’ve been shaking
I love it when you go crazy
You take all my inhibitions
Baby, there’s nothing holdin’ me back
You take me places that tear up my reputation
Manipulate my decisions
Baby, there’s nothing holdin’ me back

https://genius.com/Shawn-mendes-theres-nothing-holdin-me-back-lyrics

So this got me thinking about what our readers might be curious about. I was curious to know how Richard got into D/s in the first place, so we’re going to share our Origin Stories with you.


Jayden

When I was in high school, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in pretty tame ways, as high schoolers often do. One day, I put my arms up above my head, and he said, “Do you want me to tie them up like that?” I don’t remember what I said, but I do remember being surprised and excited. We agreed to try it the next time I was over. I was super nervous about the whole thing, but it was a great gateway into a relationship that allowed me to explore both sides of Dominance and submission, and although it was very fumbly, I figured out a lot about myself. Thankfully, I think we’ve both learned a lot since then.

Richard

My first experience was also in high school, although I have some memories earlier that seem kink related (did anyone else think skinning your knee on the playground felt kind of good?) It was with my first girlfriend, and like Jayden’s it wasn’t exactly smooth sailing. We were both switches, thought I think we both preferred to be Dominant. One particular memories stands out for me. It was in tenth grade, before we started dating, I remember standing in the middle of the band room when she asked me if I knew what watersports. At the time, the answer was only vaguely, but I think I’ve got it mostly figured out now.